i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
