I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
