Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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