I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
