So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
