Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I am full of burrito and curiosity
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
