Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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