now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
