My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
