You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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