Kareoke will never be a sober sport
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
