dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
