My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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