I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
