She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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