I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
