Jerry, you need to find god
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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