I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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