You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
