Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
