I want to stick my p in your. b.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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