2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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