I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
