I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
