3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
