i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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