I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
