Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
