I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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