I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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