then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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