explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
