Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
