Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
