Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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