My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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