i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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