The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
