got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Congratulations! We have a period
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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