Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
