i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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