At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She bit a glass in half.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
