end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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