there was a trapeze. enough said
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
