the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
