The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
