I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
