So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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