Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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