I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
