i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
